Loss from a Child's Perspective

It should be obvious that any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve. Children of all ages are affected by any significant loss, and often very deeply, because their coping mechanisms are just developing.

To understand the complexity of how each situation affects a child, we should ask ourselves: 

“What does THIS loss mean to THIS child, at THIS time in his/her life?” 

However it is important to recognize that a child’s comprehension and their response to a death varies, depending on their age and developmental levels. Death means different things to children of different ages.

Awareness of their world is limited, so the death of a mother is perceived as “unavailability” or “absence.” An infant’s needs are for physical contact, warmth and consistency, which creates security. The absence of a nurturer poses a threat to survival, resulting in fears.

Ages 2–4 years
A child still has no concept of the permanence of death, but their fears are more numerous. Cartoons suggest that characters can be blown up, run over, hurt, but then simply get up and go about their business. Likewise the young child may believe that “Mom will come back” and may continue to act as if the dead person is still alive. Death is just a “sleep” from which they didn’t wake up.

Ages 5-9 years
A child’s understanding of death undergoes another change. This is often the age of “magical thinking.” They see death as coming from an external source … a bogeyman, or angel who comes to take people away. They regard it as some kind of enemy or assailant. Thus children may regard death as something to outwit, rationalizing “if I am good or do the right things I will be able to reverse this.” If we do not make children a part of what is happening, or keep it “a secret,” they assume that somehow they are responsible, which mistaken perception merely adds complications to their mourning.

Ages 9-11 years
Again remembering that we are talking developmental levels as well as actual ages the child begins to understand that death is the end of life, irreversible, and is a natural part of life rather than an enemy who steals people away. They become more concerned with the consequences of death … “Who will take care of me? Will we have to move? Will Dad marry again? (And if so what will happen to us?)” Because they are no longer thinking of themselves as “little children,” they may present a façade of independence and coping. They want to comfort a surviving parent or family member, and may try to assume the roles of the person who has died. They want to be helpful, which can be OK, but caution is required. All too often younger children have a terrible burden placed on them by some well intentioned person who says, “You need to act grown up. You’re the father/mother of the family now.” The child will assume the role to attempt to master their pain and deny their helplessness, but it is unrealistic to expect a child to be anything other than a child.

Teenagers and young adults.
Older children often need help to express their grief, especially over the loss of a parent. Research clearly shows that teenagers have more intense grief, but struggle desperately not to show it. Teenagers are exceedingly concerned about the acceptability of their responses to others, particularly their peers. Thus the teen may find it difficult to express the feelings the death of a parent can raise.

Any death confronts teenagers with their own mortality. They could die. Angry at the death, they may adopt a “Why should I care” attitude. Perhaps as a defense, or maybe in defiance, young people sometimes engage in reckless or dangerous behaviors to show they don’t care or to try to prove they are immortal.

A few practical guidelines:

  • When describing the death of a loved one, use simple direct language.
  • Be honest. Never teach a child something they will later have to unlearn.
  • Allow children to express all their emotions.
  • Listen to children, don’t just talk to them
  • Don’t expect the child to react immediately. Be patient and available
  • Understand your own adult feelings about death and grief, for until we have come to terms with it for ourselves, it will be difficult to convey a positive attitude to children.

Children do not stop grieving until they have gone through ALL their developmental levels. At each stage, there is new learning about the old experience. The child may grieve until they become young adults, because it is not until we are sure that we can survive the experience that we are able to integrate the fact of our loss into our changing lives.

~Adapted from an article by Dr. Bill Webster